What ifs ...

What if ... someone I liked / liked actually found me as attractive as I found them, as a person, a spirit, a mind, a body, and a soul?
What if ... I had a full-time job in graphic design, loved what I was doing, and was damn good at what I did?
What if ... I had a big, genuine heart?
What if ... I could actually be feminine?
What if ... I could lose my pride, and be humble?
What if ... I could lose my selfishness, and do things for other people?
What if ... I was an optimist?
What if ... I had my own place to live?
What if ... I knew how to drive?
What if ... I went to the gym all the time, and pushed myself to really develop my muscles?
What if ... someone could cuddle with me?
What if ... I fit in and was accepted somewhere - would I feel more trusting, and less need to be thorny?
What if ... people stopped implying names "at" me, and I could walk away from all that mess?
What if ... I was able to change those situations, and take the names people implied and be stronger than that?

What if ... There are so many "what if's" in life, and sometimes it is so hard to be grateful for what you have, and want what you have, and live in the moment. Sometimes I want things more than what I have. Sometimes I look at what other people have, or seem to have, and say that I want what they have. I am jealous that I am not "feminine enough" or not "employable enough" or ... etc. I would love a "comfortable" job. I would love to be a "comfortable" person. But I am not.

I love what I do when I am building things, and doing things with my hands. Not just as in "I knit for a living", but "I build for a living", or would like to. But that is difficult to get someone who is willing to accept that I woman wants to, and is (anywhere from okay to actually damn) good at building. I wouldn't mind finding someone (other than any "girly" or at least female friends I have) who lets me feel "girly", even a little. Who maybe even encourages it, not in "you SHOULD be more demure", but yeah, I kinda like that you can be pretty tough, and I RESPECT who you are (ha! Who knows what respect is in my generation?!) but I am also okay with you being "cutesy" and girly sometimes. Thing is, I won't let my "toughness" down, my guard down, until I know I can be that way with someone, and everyday there is something that prevents me from letting go.

"Come on get out, from under, that heavy, heavy coat.
Just admit, that it's life and you don't (always) think that you can cope.
'Cause there are women, from history, that are living underneath you skin,
and they are waiting, for you to let go, and finally give in ...
No-one really cares how many skeletons are in your closet.
We will help you, open up the windows, open up your heart flow and let in fresh air...
I'm throwin' you a rope my friend, climb up, climb up it ..."
~Melissa Ferrick

These words are helpful and hopeful, especially if I could trust them ... and wonder why life can't be like that, and why we have to accept that we need to go through sh*t in life. But then again, we don't have to take sh*t from other people, just because there are tough things in life, doesn't mean we have to be anyone's doormat. I will be stronger for the challenges I successfully go through. I can only pray that sometime I will work hard enough, or I will get something right, or I will "pass whatever tests" I need to in order to earn . deserve a reward of good relationships, and good company.

These are selfish behaviours. They should probably be avoided. I do get chances to do things. Some of them I mess up. Some of them I am good at. I am not good enough at being the kind of person who thanks, not thinks.