The Proper Woman

Sometimes it’s difficult to NOT feel that I am lacking as a proper woman. I feel that I need to be happier, I need to be kinder, I need to stand up less for myself and fit in to being “a woman” better. A proper woman. Someone who never says to someone outright that they don’t like them; they keep that kind of statement inside, or someone who will make anyone feel important by laughing at all their jokes, being super sweet with them even if they hate the person. I’m not saying this because I in any way do not like people who are like that, but just because it is an example of something I don’t think I could do. However, I consider that is the good thing to do. When people say that I can’t use other standards of good and bad, or should eliminate those concepts from my vocabulary altogether, I sometimes find even that difficult, as it seems to be a way of saying, here’s what not to do; do not see good and bad. But I won’t tell you what is good replacement system for that system, which they are essentially saying is bad. Ack! They continues on to say that you need to find out the systems out there that exist in the first place, for yourself, and practice them, and then you come back to me with the answers you’ve found for yourself.

Well, I sometimes feel that I need some sort of good/bad system to work by, to steer myself in the right direction. Not the ‘easy’ way of just insulting or judging things you don’t like, but by creating a system of standards to strive towards. Those are the levels of compassion. There are also differences in the way compassion is labeled. As a male, you could dominate conversations across the board, but still be considered compassionate, and a wonderful person, even if you never let a woman get a word in edgewise. However, if a woman is that same type of person, her compassion is not recognized as much as is her “outwardly aggressive behaviour”. Yes, that still happens even today.

People say it’s okay, it’s not good or bad, it’s just a personality difference … and one person will try to get the other person to talk, while another type of person wants to be encouraged to talk. Is THIS part of the example of the “modern”, clinging feminine/masculine traits? The male should be the one to dominate in the conversation, and the “other” should just listen, and encourage them to talk? What about the female who does not actually play to that role; who won’t be the student? Who won’t be the dutiful listener? Who takes the initiative to talk unabashedly even if it is “out of turn” or expresses the “wrong” opinion? Especially if they expect the person they are talking with to sit back and obediently listen to them for a while, instead? (Enter Tick Tock, a book by Jay Ingram, and his analysis of male/female conversations that happen even today).

To put it another way, I am finding it difficult to measure my own progress towards my goals in terms of values. Being compassionate takes work, but I am capable of doing it. I also continue to speak my emotions, to have strong opinions, to speak my mind, even if that means starting a conflict. Some people really do not like this kind of behaviour, and hold it up in a bad light, whether because they disagree with my point of view (think I am wrong) or disagree with me expressing a point of view. But I would feel very uncomfortable not expressing my opinions, or emotions; constricted, claustrophobic, ignored. I feel comfortable in the presence of strong women; women who speak their mind – this is a kind of woman of whom I know several.

These women will actually behave in ways some may find “aggressive”. For example, they will unabashedly say they don’t like someone, and may be nice to them, but will speak out against that person and make sure their opinions are heard. They won’t sit back and choke on their opinions just to be nice. They are often not stereotypically feminine either. They might be unmarried and perhaps living with siblings, they might be married and not have children, they might be an entirely independent university professor, (notice I have people in mind, I am just not saying names!) I consider these women to be “good”, and more importantly, I see them as being happy people. Perhaps I am searching for (role models) some women who I feel are mirrors of me, who reflect my personality, and who have also come through with their own lives and are successfully living the same kind of lifestyle I see myself in, whether married, or single.

Even expressing and exploring the qualities I wish to develop gives me confidence. It re-enforces my goals and how I envision my lifestyle. It helps me to define more clearly what I want and what I don’t want in my dealings with other people; not just women, but men as well. Knowing what qualities I want to develop will help me to realize when I am on or off track with my goals, and recognizing these qualities in others, in order to emulate them.

It also allows me to recognize that there are women who behave appropriately feminine, whether an element of sexism, personality, or a mix of both, which result in more acceptance by the mainstream, and potentially easier success in life. I can accept these people, and refuse to allow ‘masculine’, ‘feminine’, ‘non-feminine’, ‘sexist’, ‘good’ or ‘bad’, to be the defining words of whether or not I accept people.

I realize that I need to accept people based on what I feel, as far as I can understand as a person, is acting based on morals – being proactive, being kind, being honest, being truthful, being unafraid to express themselves but not to ends that are destructive to others, to not be afraid to assert themselves, to take care of themselves and others; these are all qualities I look for in a successful person. I have my own personal goals as to what I want to achieve as a woman, and I am capable, as exemplified by other role models in my life, of achieving these goals without having to sacrifice a feeling of happiness along the way. I am not the first one to feel that they do not fit in to the mainstream definition of female, nor will I be the first one to find that through time, I will be able to find the person who I want to become, already within myself.